Oh yes, last Christmas. I remember it as if it was last Christmas. Which it, ironically, was. I had been to the umm . . . store . . . no. I had been in my room. And I was sitting in my room. And then I was sitting in my room. That's when my mom opened the door.
Mom: "We're going to your uncle now. Are you coming?"
Benny: "Yes, mom, I am coming."
Mom: "Good, 'cause we're also bringing your favourite midget, Louie."
Benny: "Aw . . . please, not Louie. You know that he always bites my kneecap when we're opening our presents."
Mom: "Not this year, sweetie."
Benny: "How do you know?"
Mom: "Trust me, I just do."
So I accepted the fact that my family was bringing Louie to my uncle's. When we got there my uncle's dog ran out in the snow and jumped around us as we carried in the presents to place them under the tree. The dog is very big, though, and he didn't notice Louie, so he accidently jumped on his head and broke his nose. Louie screamed while rolling around on the ground, bleeding. We all had a good laugh and then ignored him.
Inside the house I said hello to all of the family that was already there and then I went to the kitchen to see what we were having for Christmas dinner. And boy, was I surprised when the only thing I saw was a big pot filled with boiling water. I went out to the livingroom and yelled out:
"Where the fuck is all of the fucking food, you fucking fucks!?"
Uncle: "We're having yooooou, Benny."
Then they all got up from their seats and started walking slowly towards me. I saw my cousin's nose fall off and that's when I realized that they were zombies!
Benny: "You'll never get me alive, zombies!"
Zombie-Dog: "So? We're going to eat you, who cares if you're alive?"
Benny: "Good point, dog."
Zombie-Dog: "Please, call me Zombie-Dog."
I turned around and ran as fast as I could through the castle. I reached a big wooden door at the end of the hallway and opened it. It was heavy and very hard to open, but I managed to do it. Behind the door there was a long stairway leading down to the basement.
"I bet there is a secret exit down there somewhere," I thought.
The zombies were getting closer, so I didn't have much choice but to run down the stairs. It would've been so much easier if the stairs weren't made of burned talkshow-hosts. I stepped in a couple of eyes, but eventually, I reached the bottom of the stairs. And that's when I woke up . . . I mean, that's when my mom woke up. I was all like: "ho, stfu." And she got all pissed off at me and started yelling. So I killed her. Then I killed everyone else, too. Anyway . . . at the bottom of the stairs I saw an old mine-cart on a rail. I jumped in it and told Diddy Kong to start the damn thing so that we could escape from the zombies. He hit me with a banana and got it rolling. But apparently the zombies had rocketfuel-powered rollerblades, so they cought up with us and we had to fight them. Diddy died within about two seconds, so I was alone against a throng of zombies. I grabbed my battle-axe, which I'm always carrying with me, and started swinging at them. I killed them one by one until there was only my Zombie-Mom left.
Zombie-Mom: "Three for the elves in the trees, one for the fat guy in his throne, and one for you. DIE!"
She Zombie-ran towards me and I dodged her attack and swung my battle-axe at her. I could feel it break through her rotten skull and cut her soft brain in half. She fell dead to the ground and I collected 1,000 cool points.
After the battle in the basement of the castle I went home and went to bed. And that's why it was my best Christmas EVER.
//Benny
