Just as every other holiday in our human lives, Valentine's Day comes from the superior religion, Christianity. Well, except for the national Waffle Day, which is a stupid holiday with its origin in some crazy Asian religion that no one should care about. And the ones that actually do care about it ought to be shot. Twice. The same goes for the rest of their family, no matter what their beliefs are. Anyway, back to Valentine's Day.
It was a winter in 47 AD. Jesus and his pals were downtown to catch the game when they saw a big sign that said "This Year's Super Bowl final is cancelled due to the fact that some idiot scheduled it to take place in the middle of the winter, and both teams have frozen to death."
"Fuck!" Jesus shouted. "Now what do we do? I spent too much money getting drunk last night, so I can't afford another night at the strip bar."
"What about a hockey-game?" Mohammed asked.
"Hockey? What the fuck is hockey?" Jesus replied.
"Yeah, what the fuck is hockey?" Judas asked.
"It's apparently some new sport invented by those filthy Russians," Mohammed replied.
"Russians, eh?" Jesus said to himself, "I thought dad crossed those from the list of creatures to create?"
"He must've missed it," Judas guessed.
"Shut up, I wasn't talking to you," Jesus said as he slapped Judas across the face. "Ah well, I guess we can go on this game then. Who are playing?"
"The Jews versus the Russians."
"Well, since the Russians invented the game, I suggest we bet some cash on them," Jesus said and everyone seemed to agree with him.
So then it was decided. They all bet 400 Kraschnak each on the Russians and two hours later, the game begun.
Due to the fact that Jesus was the son of a rape-victim and God the gang got the best seats available. On a mule right next to the rink. The Jews started surprisingly tough against the creators of the game and made the first goal.
"This is fucking bullshit!" Jesus shouted and threw an empty bottle at a Jew.
The bottle hit his eye and he went blind.
But now the Russians started to play a bit more rough, which was fatal to the stupid Jews who didn't wear any protection 'cause they believed that their God protected them. But God hated them and wanted to see them in pain, so they didn't get any protection from him, instead they got weaker. Skull after skull was crushed, and Jesus cheered with joy, until only five Jews remained. The score was 2-2, and only 30 seconds to go. The Jews got the first attack but a big, hairy Russian with a Swastika across his forehead broke the Jew's legs and got the puck. He then passed it to a Russian forward. He raced towards the Jewish goal and with five seconds left, he shot. The puck flew through the air, broke the goaltender's fingers, and went into the goal. Russia had won and Jesus made 400 Kraschnak.
"Hell fucking yeah!" Jesus shouted and his two friends joined him in the shouting. "This is all thanks to that forward. What's his name?"
"I think it's Valentine Kaschinkinonovliznov," Mohammed answered.
"Well, to his honor I hereby pronounce this day, from now and on, to be called Valentine's Day!"
"You're a genious," Judas said with a big smile on his face.
//Benny
