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Evolution of the Eskimo
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I think you all know what an eskimo is. But a question that I doubt a lot of people can answer is, where do they come from? What do they feed on? How do they live? These are just some of the questions I have decided to answer in this article about the evolution of the eskimo. Together with my team of fellow fake scientists, I have gotten into eskimo-territory and filmed these mysterious creatures in their personal lives and natural habitat. Not just gone to the zoo, as so many other scientists seem to do when they want to study eskimoes. The reason I don't do as everyone else is because at the zoo you get the wrong picture of these creatures. They have gotten used to being surrounded by humans, they eat what you feed them, and some of them have even developed a strange technique which they use to actually communicate with humans.
Step One
The evolution of the eskimo started just as the evolution of any other creature, in the ocean. The one celled creatures in the oceans that used to cover most of the Earth were the first step towards the rich life we can find on this green planet today. These one celled creatures were vicious canibals and fed on each other, and when they were not brutally killing their neighbour, they were having sex with each other.
Step Two
This primitive way of living later changed as the one celled creatures developed into something that reminds an awful lot of today's fish. Only that these fish actually had a spine and eyebrows. The canibalistic way of living had now disappeared and instead it was the law of the ocean that ruled. The big fish ate the smaller fish, the smaller fish ate the smallest fish, and the smallest fish swam head first into rocks and died.
Some of these fish actually still live in the oceans of the Earth, and as you can probably figure out yourself, they're pretty fucking old. According to an Indian myth, some of these fish have actually grown legs and walked up on land, disguised as humans. Some famous people that are under special observation due to risks that they in fact are a fish spy are:
James Brown, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Bill Gates, and the Little Mermaid.
Step Three
The third step in the evolution of the eskimo is called The Era of the Killer Seals. This is where the evolution of the eskimo takes a different route than the evolution of the man. Instead of walking up onto land to become dinosaurs, some fish actually developed into seals. These seals are known for their brutal ways of feeding. They often swam in groups of up to 100 creatures and fed on fish and dinosaurs, much like today's eskimoes.
However, all of the killer seals were wiped out in the big ocean war, which occured around 58,000,000 BC. But some of them had already continued to the fourth step, which is the reason why we have eskimoes today.
Step Four
Some killer seals got bored of rape and slaughter, so they went for a new life out of the ocean, just as the fish had done a long time ago. This made them all develope into big, fat walruses. Walruses is often described as the Nordic saber-toothed tiger. The reasons for this are their long teeth which they use to kill their victims. Some of these walruses are still alive today, and they feed on seals, fish, whales, humans, and human pets. A group of walruses is dangerous enough to wipe out an entire village. This has happened several times in Canada, Norway, and Israel. Their brutal ways of murdering can also be seen in the three previous steps, and also in the fifth and final step, the actual eskimo.
Step Five
Around 400 AD, the evolution took its final breath and ended with the eskimo, also called The Ultimate Seal. Eskimoes are most likely to be found in snowy and cold landscapes in Northern Canada, Alaska, Greenland, Russia, and Venezuela. Unless in a zoo, of course. An eskimo's instincts makes it a supreme killer and they are very hard to train into something else, so it's not a good idea to try to keep them as a pet. Unless you've got experience with tigers, crocodiles, dinosaurs, or other violent pets. The eskimoes mainly feed on creatures from the sea, but also on polar bears, penguins, wolves, and Canadians.
They live in holes that they have dug in the snow, and don't often come out during the summer months, only when it's time to feed. They also use their holes for when it's time to mate. This usually occures around February-March, and several eskimoes can mate in the same hole at the same time.
The brain of an eskimo can be compared can be compared to the one in a fat toad, or maybe a smaller cow. They can, after a while, recognize certain places and even people. This is the reason why some animal-lovers have decided to keep them as pets, even though they often turn out to become wild and dangerous creatures.
If you want to see an eskimo in real life, then I recommend the zoo, 'cause going to their land can be a fatal mistake since they are very protective against their young ones. You might also be able to find a couple of pictures of these interesting creatures if you search the 'Net. Might.
I hope you all have learned something from this article, I sure learned something by studying them and writing about them. They are fascinating animals and all of us should work to help them from being extinct.
//Benny
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Staff Comments of Awesomeness
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August 4, 2011 - 07:25 BST - Nate
It's time to end this somewhat hiatus and start writing video game reviews for no one again. Funny that after all of these months of college and unemployment I start wasting time with video games and shitty reviews once I finally get a job.
Also, maybe I'll start reviewing games that have been released within the past six months for once thanks to my new disposable (heavy emphasis on this word) income. Maybe.
June 12, 2010 - 15:30 GMT - Benny
I got an urge to collect crap for my chao in Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. I had quite a lot of fun until I realised that I already had a chao with 99 in all stats. That took a bit of the fun away but I have another 16 chao I can level up. But now I'm in a mood to play Zelda instead.May 31, 2010 - 15:53 GMT - Benny
I'm quite glad I went through with this The Green Shell idea. Combined with Hair, I've managed to build up a little backlog of updates that could last me at least a week. Although I have a feeling I'll put out a few of them at a time, which means I'll run out sooner. But yeah, while it's not necessarily easy to come up with shitty ideas for it, I have been looking around at a lot of random video game stuff over the last 12 hours and it's quite fun. I also need to play some more Star Ocean; I've got reptile aliens to kill and annoying girls to ignore! My hatred for Welch has gone down a lot since I got Lymle into my party. That annoying fuck pisses me off, 'kay.
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