The most common newbie mistake when making ice cubes lies in the equipment you use. You have almost certainly fallen for the ice cube scam that is the ice cube tray. Most salesmen will insist that what you need to make the perfect ice cubes is one of these:

That is, in fact, a big fat lie. If you knew the real secret behind ice cubes, you would have no reason to buy them, so of course they're not going to give you the same equipment they use. It's like one of those "make your own coke machines." It tends to end up tasting like cold coffee, which is exactly what they want.

No, the equipment you need cannot be bought in any store--you need to make it yourself. To get the perfect ice cubes, you need two things: The ice cube and the trae, and then you need to combine them into one. See where the big companies are screwing you over? Damn straight, they're selling you trays, not traes!

Alright, let's go through this in more detail, to make sure that you can't fuck it up. Go to your local Cool Guy Photo Shoot and pick up the following:

Then turn up your oven to 180 degrees (gas mark 57) and leave them in, wrapped in each other's arms, for roughly 25 minutes or until they're crisp and golden. Take them out and let them cool for a few hours. You may want to stay out of the room during this time as they can get quite violent and may diss you through the media of mad dope rhymes.

After enough time has passed, you should have this:

Now that you have the appropriate equipment, you can finally get started on making your very own ice cubes. The next step only works if you weigh at least 150 kg (5,300 pounds). If you don't, ask a fat friend for help! Now put on a t-shirt and run 87 laps around the block. Take off your t-shirt and squeeze it dry over your ice cube trae--make sure to get enough sweat out to fill them up by roughly three quarters (eight halves). Add a sip of water and a pinch of salt, and then put the ice cube trae into the microwave for 15 seconds (46 miles). When this is done, you must quickly put it into the freezer, before it has cooled down. Leave it in for 8 days (95 dollars) and voila! You're very own perfect looking ice cubes!

August 4, 2011 - 07:25 BST - Nate

Also, maybe I'll start reviewing games that have been released within the past six months for once thanks to my new disposable (heavy emphasis on this word) income. Maybe.

June 12, 2010 - 15:30 GMT - Benny

May 31, 2010 - 15:53 GMT - Benny