The day began like any other. Our hero rose from his slumber with thoughts of Die Hard car batteries and bromate free bread. Although at first glance nothing seemed out of the ordinary, Kyle knew right away evil was afoot. Nothing however, could prepare him for what was waiting to greet him as he opened his front door. On the road, directly in front of our handsome leading man, was a symbol of terror that sent chills down his spine. The blue reflective thingy.
As a swashbuckling stuntman, Kyle had encountered the horror of the blue reflective thingy before.
Just a few days ago while driving his pimpmobileTM down the road, he had narrowly avoided disaster when he swerved wildly to avoid running over the cunningly placed lines of ant fortresses that have taken over American highways. He knew the ants had applied strategery learned from President Bush, but their territory was too well guarded to make a move against. Just like all Americans, Kyle had become complacent to the trickery of the ants, but now they had gone too far. This called for guerrilla warfare.
The alien ant out post had a weak garrison and no back up. He could tell right away their supplies were low and their defenders were inexperienced. It would be an easy target. Kyle was a seasoned veteran of the fire ants vs. Floridians war of 2001, but these aliens presented a different sort of challenge. While fire ants would swarm en mass and could deliver painful bites, the aliens had a more defensive posture.
They are content to build indestructible forts along roadways for the sole purpose of ruining humanity's ability to have a smooth ride. While the fire ants could be dispatched with simple napalm and high explosives, these proved ineffective on the alien ant mounds. the alien ants also have humans on their side. Everyone from the highway patrol to the city sheriffs seems to think attacks on their forts is "illegal."
The man known as the "Vanquisher of ants" would have to retire to his palace to plan.
After a few beers, Kyle was fed up. He had accepted the ants rule of the main roads, but this was in front of his driveway! The ants had gone too far. Although intoxicated enough to attack the ants alone, he still remembered his training. The first step in a successful military operation is recon and espionage.
Dressed in civilian attire, he went to scout out the alien ant outpost. Upon closer inspection, the weakness of their defenses became clear. The alien ant semen used to attach the fort to the asphalt was still wet.
As Kyle made his way back to his base, he felt a sense of relief at how easily the ant fortress would fall. All he needed was a crowbar and stealth. While the ants themselves were no threat, he knew their human protectors were. If spotted by the neighborhood watch or by the ant lovers themselves, he knew questions like: "What the fuck are you doing?" and "What the fuck is wrong with you" would soon follow. He would have to make his attack quickly and with no ant casualties. If he could remove the fortress intact he would hold the trump card over the ants.
The time had come to take action, and that is just what Kyle planned to do. Dressed in his old battle fatigues and his robo-ninja maskTM, he staked out the front yard until the coast was clear. When no one was in sight, he bravely ran into the road and deftly slipped the crowbar between the fort and the asphalt. With a mighty blast of his rippling muscles, the ant fortress flew into the air, defeated in one blow. Glistening like a shining jewel, Kyle scooped up his prize and ran off to stash it at an undisclosed location. For the last step, he had to take a damage report and inspect his handiwork. As he looked down on the symbol of the aliens on the roadway, he felt complete.
The only thing left to do now was celebrate victory with a peanut butter and banana sandwich.