Europe seems to suck if you look through the eyes of video game Japan. All of the games made in Japan are first released in their homecountry, which is understandable. But then, then they release the game in America. Not Europe, only America. Why not Europe at the same time? No, no, no, not possible. 'Cause first they have to make the games stupid enough to be equally stupid to the European average person. Average, in this case, is smartest. All Europeans are the same. At least if you listen to Japan, who also threatens to bomb Europe for no particular reason, just for fun. Some of you may not believe me, but what I'm saying is true. I'll give you a couple of examples.
The first reason; Doki! Doki! Panic/Super Mario Brothers 2. In this case not only Europe, but even America, was labeled "Japanese Hate You Stupid." For the people who do not know, Doki! Doki! Panic and Super Mario Brothers 2 are the same game, but Super Mario Brothers 2 adapted for the stupid westworld. In Doki! Doki! Panic the Japanese people got to play as four Arabian looking characters, totally human, and fighting cool mysterious enemies. When they decided to release the game in the westworld, they had to do some changes.
Jap #1: "Arabian people. No, no, no, far too smart for dumb west. We Japanese must save dumb west from exploding by trying to think. What to do?"
Jap #2: "We can let Mario in game. He fat Italian plumber with a mushroom friend. That stupid enough for stupid west."
Jap #3: "Chåyj!" (Excellent, in Japanese.)
So then it was settled. The "modern" Arabs were to be exchanged for the dumb Italian and his even dumber friends. This 'cause of two reasons. One we have already seen in the short Jap-dialogue. The second reason is that people in the west are dumb enough to buy something as soon as they recognize it. Mario's famous, Mario's dumb, Mario's friends are complete morons. PERFECT! So the changes were made and most people in the westworld didn't have a clue what Doki! Doki! Panic even was. Japanese success, in other words, another chapter to the Europe Bombing-Plan was added.
Here we have another example. This was further away in the past, when the Japs were still afraid that America was going to nuke their asses. So they acted as if America was smart. Japs are slow, and they're still afraid of nukes, so they still give the Yankees a break in the discrimination. But Europeans. Pfft. Are they even considered "people?"
1984. Ice Climber was released in America, the same as in Japan. Two bold Japs dressed as Eskimos climbing an icy mountain, fighting seals and polar bears while collecting sweet points. Not in Europe, though. No, no, no. Seals in a European game? No way. Those stupid bastards are just going to take it too serious and go out and wipe out a seal-colony with their grandparents' sledgehammers. So changes had to be made for the idiotic Europeans. Seals were out of the question. Polar bears? Yeah, polar bears can defend themselves. So if a dumb European goes out with a hammer he's just going to get himself killed. Chåyj!
Obviously, the polar bears got to stay, but the seals had to be exchanged. But for what? What can possibly be as stupid as a European. They had Mario, but Mario had already starred in a game not too long ago, so he was out of the question. And if you let Europeans walk around and kill Marios with their sledgehammers, then Mario would get a bad reputation. But what other choices did the Japs have?
Jap #1: "Mario no can die from European. Mario must sell."
Jap #2: "What dumb as European cave-man?"
Jap #1: "You said it, Jap #2! Cave-mans! We going to have cave-mans!"
Jap #2: "Chåyj!"
And that's what happened. The seals were exchanged for ordinary Europeans, also known as small, round, hairy cave-men. By doing this, seals would be spared, but the European idiots would go out and kill eachother instead, without giving Mario a bad name. Japanese success, and another chapter added to the notorious Europe Bombing-Plan.
What is this Europe Bombing-Plan, you might ask? Like I said in the introduction, the Japs are going to bomb Europe, just for fun, but to save as many missiles as possible they're just going to use the bombs in the most populated areas. Areas where the Japanese idiot-games had been released were out of the plan. You see, the idiots in those areas had already been brainwashed by the games, and killed eachother. So there weren't many people left to bomb. Therefor their targets were more popular places, such as whore-districts and hippie-camps.
And that's the end of my Europe Sucks article. When you buy a game made in Japan, be careful, and look out for traps. You might also want to get a bombshelter.
//Benny
